Film Noir
by IceCrome
Summary: A new murderer is in town, and detective Rock Lee is on the case! Oneshot


_Oh Rock Lee. You scared the shit out of me the first time I saw you. _

_But whatever. I must thank Daniel. _

_(A.K.A 'PhoenixClaw'. Check him out. If you do, he'll update his story. EVENTUALLY) He gave me this idea. Right now, Death Note has owned my soul. So, I'm going to desperately cling to what's left of Naruto._

_Kingdom Hearts is kind of…Dead._

_Everything © Owners_

_--------------------------_

It was a dreary, rainy day outside as the raven-haired man walked to his black-and-white office. He took out the pictures for his new case from the manila folder with the word 'CONFIDENTIAL' on it in big, bold, red letters.

"Hn…" He sifted through the pictures, one by one, examining them thoroughly.

"Looks like another case for Rock Lee!

_The case of the Guitar Hero murderer._"

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"So secretary, any news?" Sakura made a face of utter confusion, holding a small folder in her hands.

"Lee, are you alright?"

"Yosh! I am perfectly fine, secretary! Now, what are the details on that case?" Sakura's left eye twitched, and she smiled crookedly.

"Uh…here…?" Lee epically took the folder from her hands. Sakura walked away, going on about 'too much beer' and 'LSD'. Rock Lee was too naive to understand what she was saying, so in other words, he ignored her and opened up the black-and-white folder.

"Amazing…this person kills the victim after beating them in a round of Guitar Hero! And they completley wipe away all the evidence! Why, we're dealing with a murderer!" He pointed his finger in the air. Conveniently, the telephone rang a shrilly.

"Yes? Hello? A _murder_? And by Guitar Hero again?! Well, I'll get to the bottom of this!" He slammed the phone down epically, going out of the black-and-white door.

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Rock Lee arrived at the scene, looking at the body-outline.

"Hn…what's this? It looks like someone left the letter 'C' here…and it's on a piece of paper! Looks like it was from a poster…That's peculiar." Rock Lee scratched his chin, trying to figure out who in the devil would leave a 'C' off a poster in the crime scene? It was quite queer.

Get your head out of the gutter, morons.

Rock Lee took the small piece, and went back to his office to further investigate the matter. Although it was difficult to tell which building from the other, since they were all grainy and black-and-white. Like Casablanca.

"What the devil is going on here…?"

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"Secretary!" Sakura sighed in annoyance, and gazed over at him.

"What?!" Lee mused for a second, pacing on the clean carpeting for a moment.

"I wonder…do you remember the killer who killed by lack of fashion?"

"…uh…sure?"

"Yes, well, I think that _he _escaped from our low-level prison security system, and is now trying to thwart us again!"

"…uh…sure, Lee. Let's go with that." Sakura sighed, typing on a typewriter. "What in the…? Why don't we have modern technology?!" Sakura slammed down on the table, which earned an odd glance from Lee.

"But my dear secretary, this is the 30's. What's 'modern technology'?" Sakura stared.

"…"

"Anyway, my dear, we must go to the prison!"

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"Ah ha! Just as I suspected. He has just escaped from prison!" Lee said to Sakura, who was standing to his left.

"Why am I here?"

"To take notes! We must find the culprit!"

"…Lee, uh…" Sakura trailed off. "Never mind. Just…go." The two walked up to the crime scene, looking at the body outlined in white chalk. Lee took out a comically oversized magnifying glass, and examined the small pieces of evidence.

"Ah Ha!" He pointed his finger in the air. "A large green jumpsuit! It was left behind at the scene of the crime! I wonder what that means?" Sakura snapped her clipboard in half.

"Oh for the love of god, it's Gai! Gai! Maito Gai! The weird guy who's trained you for so long!"

"…Maito Guy? Do you mean The Green Jumpsuit Apparatus?! Why of course, it had to be him!" Lee rushed off in the direction of his house that he mysteriously knew the location of. Sakura was dumfounded.

"I swear; I need some Meth right now."

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"So, Mr. Apparatus…" Maito Gai, or better known as his criminal name of 'The Green Jumpsuit Apparatus' was very well known for his outlandish fashion and giant brown, curly mustache. And top hat.

Can't forget the top hat.

"Ah, Mr. Lee. What do you want on this fine…?" He trailed off, looking at the black and white sky, "…afternoon?"

"Yes, well. I think you might be of some use to my newest case. The Case of the Guitar Hero Murderer."

"What's 'Guitar Hero'?"

"I have no idea. What I do know is that, the killer left behind a 'C'. It looked like it was cut out of a poster. Or something." Gai scratched his chin.

"Well, well…I could be of some use. But I want payment." Lee grumbled, pulling a giant green wallet-albeit you couldn't really tell from the monochromatic room-and started to take out money, to which Gai declined.

"Well, what do you want, then?!"

"Show me a measure of your youth!"

"Alright! What do I have to do?!"

"One-thousand push ups."

"Easy-peasy!"

_One hour later._

"That's it! One thousand, just like you said!"

"Good jaerb, Lee!"

"…Jaerb?" Gai snapped.

"Don't worry about it."

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"Alright, a 'C' cut out?"

"Oh for the love of Jesus Christ." Sakura said. "You brought f'in Gai in?!"

"Yes Sakura. You were the one who proposed that it was Gai." Sakura blinked, suddenly remembering that _she_ was the idiot who had stated it was Gai's jumpsuit.

"Oh. Right." She blinked. "Uh…are you interrogating him or something?"

"No. He is here to help with the investigation." Rock Lee stated, folding his arms.

"So he's an unattractive, dumber version of L, basically?"

"Basically."

"Hey!"  
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"And in other news…" Sakura turned up the volume on her elephant-sized radio, "A local ice cream parlor owner was killed by a blunt object. The man was seen dead in front of his television, playing Guitar Hero. Obviously, the man had absolutely no social skills." She yawned, and stretched out on her chair, and decided that she would call Lee or be forced to listen to another lecture about her lack of youth.

She picked up her telephone, and dialed the number.

"Lee?"

"Do you have the wrong number?"

"Oops. Sorry. What's this?"

"This is three."

"Ooh, I meant eight. So sorry for the trouble." She hung up the phone, and re-dialed.

"…how in the hell did I screw that one up?"

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The telephone rang again.

Lee was sitting comfortably, reading Ernest Hemmingway, before picking up the phone.

"Rock Lee, how may I help you?"

"Lee, it's Sakura. Another man was killed via Guitar Hero." Lee sprung up from his chair, and the telephone came crashing down to the floor, along with the chair and footstool and radio.

Multiple obscenities were heard as the young detective tried to line everything back u p again.

"Alright Sakura! Now where was the man located?"

"Uh…down Elm Street. House 65."

"How did you get that information, Sakura?" Lee asked; which he realized that he shouldn't have.

"Don't worry about it." She snapped.

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"Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with their own intestines, and dumped the intestines in the river!" Lee concluded.

"Holy…" Gai wiped his forehead.

"Yes Gai, we're looking at one sick sonofabitch." Lee said, taking out his comically oversized magnifying glass again.

"Why," He said holding up an item, "an 'I hate Monica Lewinsky' pin!" He held it up, examining it thoroughly.

"And over here, is an H! H…C…Why, there's only one culprit!"

"Can I go now? I haven't been of any use scratch the comical statements." Gai said, raising a finger.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I have figured out who it is!"

"Okay. Leaving now. Goodbye." Gai walked out of the door, and exited the storyline.

"I must go to their house now!" Lee found the nearest telephone. "Sakura, meet me at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!"

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"…The white house? Seriously?"

"Yes Sakura, the white house is sreiz busniz." They both stood in front of the large iron gates, almost signifying that only special visitors would be allowed. The house itself was a fairly grainy white, due to the black-and-white atmosphere that Lee still had to figure out. Why in the hell was he black and white?

"Come on, Sakura. Time to convict the culprit!" He walked easily through the iron gates, prompting a WTF moment from Sakura. As soon as Lee calmed her down, he knocked on the door.

Bill Clinton answered.

"You're not even _alive!_ How is this even possible?!" Sakura screeched, trying to logically find an answer to the situation. "It's the f'in _thirties_!" Bill ignored her, and turned to Rock Lee.

"What is it?"

"Well, er…we would like to speak to your wife, Hilary." Bill sighed, and yelled for her to come down.

"Our level of security is terrible-yes, what do you want?" She looked at the two with her sharp blue (?) eyes.

"You are the Guitar Hero Murderer! Guilty! Guilty!" She blinked.

"Well…crap." And ran like hell fire.

"Sakura, we must chase after her!" They followed after her in the most epic chase scene ever.

Snaking their way through the corridors of the white/gray house, they ended up just outside the garden before Lee managed to tackle her.

"Sakura, hold her down! Now to unmask and find out who she _truly_ is!" Hilary blinked, before she could respond, her face was being peeled off.

"Millard Fillmore!?" Sakura screeched. "What time-space continuum are we _in?!_"

"And I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids." He grimaced.

"How did you do it?" Lee asked him/her.

"If the victim lost on expert mode to any song, I would kill them by crawling out of their television set Samara-style, and then killing them most heinously."

"What the hell is going on?!" Sakura screamed, still valiantly trying to figure out what was happening.

"Alright, time to put you in jail!"

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Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, TenTen, and Neji all walked down a white hallway with metal doors on either side of them. Sakura and TenTen held flowers, while Naruto held balloons. Sasuke had a teddy bear, much to his disdain.

"Oh, room 316, here we are!" Sakura stepped into the room cheerily, looking at Lee in the hospital bed.

"Nurse, has he gotten any better?" TenTen asked random nurse number one, as she changed his IV.

"No, the seizure did quite some damage. He'll be alright in a week or so." The nurse replied. TenTen smiled slightly.

"At least he's getting better. Wonder what's going on inside his mind…?"

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_WHY DO MY ENDINGS SUCK?_

_Oh well. Daniel, stop being dead._

_R&R please. Flames accepted. _


End file.
